Greetings, loyal Catholics, and virtuous heathens alike! It has been some time indeed since last I updated my blogosphere, but this is a matter of some importance. BEHOLD, ABOVE. The photo in question is a photo from Italian retailer Benetton, and features a DOCTORED image of me engaged in a homosexual tryst with Ahmed el Tayyeb, the imam of the Al-Azhar Mosque in Cairo. Before I go any further, let me just say that obviously the Vatican's Holy Lawyers of God's Legal Defense Squad is on the case, since the laws of God dictate that the advertisers and flim-flam artists responsible for this "photo" must live their lives in full before being punished it is therefore necessary to rely upon the lesser laws of man.

ooooohhhhh it makes me so angry! but: wrath, as I have written before, is a sin. and I must keep myself in check.

first, the picture is a false depiction. the bearing of false witness is now intended to sell clothing? shameful.

second, ew!

third, I have always been kind and affable toward my Islamic friends. whatever "point" this could be trying to make is MOOTED BY THE FACTS.

but to go on and on only dignifies the foolish facade of the photo.

let us speak now of happier topics! please delete the photo from the top of your browser. delete it from your copy of my blog, if you will. many thanks.

the happier topic I wish to discuss, is, obviously, is the wonderful new american film, Tower Heist!

I have already seen it seven times! :)

i do not wish to "ruin" it for you, but suffice it to say, it is a hilarious movie with heart. as the Tower of Babel spat in the face of God, so too does this film's eponymous tower disgrace the dignity of man. that is why there must be a heist. because of that.

but now it is late and i am tired.

Peace be with you all!

dutifully,

The Pope

Greetings, from myself to you!

Hello, loyal Pope Followers! (or: "Catholics").
It has been some time since last I chose to update the web-tabernacle on which your browser now rests, but believe me when I say the demands of popehood are numerous and significant. Given the fact that I have encouraged priests and bishops and the like to Bloog as a means to maintain a connection with respective parishes, I feel somehow a hypocrite. But enough about me! Let us deal with, how do you say, the "elephant in the booth."
Much has been said lately about the ongoing sexual abuse scandal (now over six hundred years old), particularly that six Irish bishops are in "hot" water for attempting to do unspeakable things with children too young to speak. This last bit is somewhat of an exaggeration and doesn't do much for my cause; if I were somehow able to delete text believe me I would but as things stand, please just disregard that last bit.
Anyway I have said proudly and publicly that if the faithful are repentant they will be forgiven in the eyes of G-d. If G-d is willing to forgive, who are we to hold a grudge? Some say that this is -to put it delicately - cow malarkey. But I am the Pope! And if I say that G-d will forgive the repentant and that any abuses represent only momentary lapses in the judgment of the individuals in question, NOT IN FACT a serious and very likely statistically significant trend across a world-wide organization into which people place their hopes and dreams with potential implications worth at least grappling with, then gosh darn it G-d will forgive the repentant and any abuses represent only momentary lapses in the judgment of the individuals in question, NOT IN FACT a serious and very likely statistically significant trend across a world-wide organization into which people place their hopes and dreams with potential implications worth at least grappling with! That's all I have to say on the subject.

Some of you may be upset to learn that I have cooled off on my Stratego playing. Simply put, I reached a point where it was no longer a challenge. I have stood atop that mountain and looked out over the land surrounding; what I saw was ugly and scorched.
Let me explain: It was on Christmas Eve (hope you had a good one!), and after praying off of whatever darned balcony you pray off on Christmas Eve I was playing a game of Stratego with our friend the Stratego-playing-Bishop. I had become quite good by then, able to intuit the locations of his bombs, spies, admirals, and above all else his flag. We were in his room playing the game, and the game was going well. I had placed my flag in the left-most corner, an amateur move I know, but one whose obviousness I felt would place it below even suspicion. But this is not important. For the first part of the game I was losing badly. I won't go into the details, the our-friend-the-bishop was going quite well. I became - forgive me Oh Lord - envious of his success. In time, after the tables had turned, I became proud of my own success. And upon reflection over the bitter ordeal, the dual sin Stratego game which I will never forget, I realized that the Game excited every number of sins in me: sloth, because I wish to play it and not perform my duties; wrath, as I decimate opponents; and so forth. I was horrified. How could I, the Pope, enjoy so thoroughly a game which incites such feelings? I decided it was the workings of the Devil. Curse him! Wait, wrath! No! Wait, despair! No!
I must go.
God bless, have a great week.

We snagged the Anglicans (Sort Of)!

Greetings, pious blog-followers (of Christ)!
It has been many a lent-length I know since last I updated my blahg (sp? I always get confused!), but as you can well imagine, the duties of Popehood allow very little free time. Well, except of course for Stratego, but more on that later!
My apologies. I shall endeavor to more regularly assert the presence of the Catholic Church, and therefore G-d himself, on the Information Ultra-Highway. Soon the "digital autobahn" shall resemble the great intersstates of the American Midwest!
If you've read the title of this bloog pole, you've already read the good news! The Traditional Anglican Community in Great Britain, an offshoot of the mainstream Anglican Church, those traitors, have embraced my offer to their Church: to join mine. The reverent and faithful members of the TAC, whose adherence to the morals and traditions of their forefathers makes them better than their "looser" sister-sect, shall make a marvelous addition to the Catholic Church. Welcome, Brothers and Sisters! Let us now join hands across the world, and rejoice in the words of the Bible:

If you have find honey, eat just enough,too much of it, and you will vomit.
Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house—too much of you, and he will hate you.

Proverbs 25:16-17

This is a welcome and a warning, Newbies. Welcome!

Now onto more important matters: Stratego with the Cardinal! My Strateg-y has vastly improved since last I preached the good word of this noble board game, but still that feisty Cardinal is always one step ahead! Last time we played I placed my flag immediately to the right of the left-most lake, flanked by only two bombs. The others were reserved for decoys on the left of the right-most lake! This, I thought, was a stroke of genius. "Benedict," I thought, "you know you really are the Pope!" And at that I reclined in my Stratego-Throne and doffed my cap a bit, casually so as to exude confidance. But intimidating that Cardinal is harder than getting a rich man into Heaven, and in no time his miner descended upon my flag, before my Admiral could do anything to intercept him. I shall beat him some day, and until then I shall take solace in the words of the Lord:

For the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and give your enemies over to you; therefore your camp shall be holy, that He may see no unclean thing among you, and turn away from you.

Deuteronomy 23:14

I'll win yet, for G-d walks in my camp!

God Bless, have a great Work-End!

A long delayed "Greetings!"

Greetings! My loyal Catholics, I know it has been two fortnights since I last "updated" my bloog, but I have been so busy completing my treatise on greed and capitalism, Caritas in Varitate, As I sit in my simple palace ("Betsy" I call it!) and gaze out over my modest principality I wonder, what drives men to the depth of greed that nudged the first sinister domino of the world's recent economic collapse? I have said before that greed is a form of idolatry - when men are driven by greed they worship not Him but the objects of their desire. Objects. This is a grievous sin. I pray that they find the favor at the feet of Mary:But as interested as I'm sure you all are, you can read the whole of what I have to say in a few days. Besides, Worldwide Ministry or not, this is my own personal Blog, and I have something of less urgency but of considerable personal interest to me I wish to discuss.

I recently began to play a board game call "Stratego" with a Cardinal, and I must admit that I am hooked! I will not use his name, as for reasons I am not at liberty to discuss the public knowledge of his playing a child's board game might cause an outrage, but he is quite good at "Stratego," and poses to me an intriguing challenge each time we play. The game combines the cunning of chess and the secrecy of Papal subterfuge, which I assure you does not exist. I trust you are all familiar with the game. I am frequently stumped by his bomb placement, and his spy always seems to know where my marshal is. How does he do it?

For any "Stratego" tips you might have, "email" me at popethoughts@gmail.com. Have a good week, and don't forget to tithe!

I'm back from Israel!

Well, it's all been said and done, loyal readers. The trip was, I think a success. Although my open air mass in the Holy Land was poorly attended last week - no one can figure out why. My sermon was on St. Paul's teachings regarding the rendering of sackcloth. To use the parlance of our times, "What Gives?"
Regardless, that is not what has gotten me steamed today. Carla Bruni, the wife of the French president (FRANCE!), has criticized me and my faith. My faith. She thinks that Our stance regarding birth control has contributed to the AIDS epidemic in Africa. She thinks that we need to "evolve" our stance on the issue.
Well you know what you spoiled, vapid, vile supermodel of a Jezebel? The Catholic Church opposes condoms because G-D opposes condoms. You want to criticize someone? I'm just the messenger. Criticize G-D. Oh, what's that? You don't believe in G-d? Well, have fun being deprived of His mercy for all eternity.
Sorry, I had to get that off my chest! I do apologize for the Wrath.

Let me close with a passage from the Book of Luke, in the words of Our Lord Jesus Christ:

“Now, salt is good. But if the salt should lose its taste, how can its flavor be restored? It is suitable neither for the soil nor for the manure pile. People throw it away. Let the person who has ears to hear, listen!” (14:34-35)

You just let that sink in, Carla.

Everyone else: God Bless.

My big trip is tomorrow!

Well, tommorow is the big day! I'm leaving for the Middle-East. Would it be in bad taste to call it a Crusade? Probably. The press would eat that up, those lice.
I am sorry but I am so stressed out!
I am excited, though, about visiting the site of Our Lord's baptism by John (the Baptist). There are talks about building churches for pilgrims. I am glad of this.

My packing is just about done, though I am afraid that I am forgetting something. Here's what I have:
Vestements
Jewelry
"Casual" clothes (jeans, tank-tops, sandals, etc.)
Toothbrush
Bible
Larger Bible
Camera (with extra film, of course)

This seems pretty comprehensive, but this nagging feeling won't go away! Ah well, God will grant me the wisdom by the time I leave tomorrow. Let us close with a psalm pertaining to my trip:


Psalm 121

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.


Of course! Sunblock! Though I trust that the Lord will shade me from the sun, it couldn't hurt!

God Bless you All. Be well.

-The Pope

By the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost - I finally saw Ghost! It always seemed like one of those movies everyone has seen but me, and eventually I just kind of accepted it, you know? But then I was on the phone with Robbie Carlson (new archbishop in St. Louis - you earned it buddy!) and he had just seen it and would not stop talking about it! So I caved and sent someone to Blockbuster to rent it. Man, what a movie. I'll never look at a pottery wheel the same way again, I can tell you. Now they're a lot more sinful! Also I condemn Whoopi Goldberg to hell. Kidding!

I guess I should say a word about the situation in Isreal, but I'm so sick of that. Just google it.

May God bless your weekend.